Our relationship goes back a long way. I feel like you’ve become a big part of me. You used to be such a treat, but now, I fear you’ve become a bad habit. Three-thirty in the afternoon rolls around and suddenly you’re there, demanding my attention. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
I don’t know how to say this without hurting your feelings, but let’s face it. You lied to me. You were supposed to be a snack, a burst of energy, a friend to carry me through until dinner. But that’s not what happened. Sure, the anticipation of meeting you was exquisite. Your softness against my lips. Your sweet taste . . .
But I digress. The sad thing was that after all that foreplay, you didn’t hold up your end of the bargain. After you were gone, I felt tired, not energized. In fact, worse than if I hadn’t had you at all. I put up with it for a while, but it has gone too far. This relationship has to end.
I’m sorry if I’ve never mentioned this before. I know you mean well. I appreciate the kind thought, but no, I really don’t think there’s anything you can do. No, another layer of frosting isn’t going to make a difference. Really. Yes, a fruit filling might make you more romantic, but that just doesn’t deal with the issue. We just weren’t made for each other.
Well, I wasn’t going to mention this to you, but yes, there is someone else. She’s from a different country. No, not Danish! She goes down smooth and gives me lasting energy. No, this isn’t about liking salty more than sweet. Besides, she’s a lot less salty now, more earthy, I’d say. She’s a vegetable juice.
No need to get personal! Vegetables may not be sexy, but they’re smart, and I have come to appreciate how much I like that. You know, I thought you would be a difficult habit to give up, but it turned out that you were easy to replace with something smart.
Look, let’s not part as enemies. You’re sweet. You’re fun, particularly when you’re fresh. And we have known each other a long time. Can’t we just be friends?